i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
