I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So squirting runs in the family.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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