Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
