we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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