You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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