The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
