And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
