I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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