i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
