Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
