I got her a Nickelback box set.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Holy shit dude........stairs
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
