I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize