I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize