There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
