Swine flu is the new snow day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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