haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
