I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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