Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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