This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
