tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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