Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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