i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
