woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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