If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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