I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
