This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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