I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
