Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he told me I talked like a deaf person
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
