I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize