i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
