Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
