oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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