two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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