I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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