i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
