I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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