you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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