I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
