There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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