I just pynch a tree in the face
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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