I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize