I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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