A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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