I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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