Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
