Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
