Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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