Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
