No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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