You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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