The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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