I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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