I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
