Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
