This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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