I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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