Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
