I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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