I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
