The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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