how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
