You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i need an iv and a liver transplant
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
