this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
