im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize