I'm eating all of the evidence.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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