she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
