whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
