I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
