If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
