if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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