Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
